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Monday, March 12th, 2007
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2:26 am
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It's been not quite a year since I posted. Hooray.
I'm in San Francisco now.
Free Kittens minus Molby (and semi-minus Ian who was only semi-memberly anyway, although he is a saint) got together and did a music video for CinemaSports ten-hour music competition (which is as long as I have ever spent on anything in my life anyway, so I hardly count that as a restriction.) And also for Moustache March.
current mood:  guilty
current music: Free Kittens - The Moustache March
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| Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
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11:41 pm
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Yes! And so I am going to die
I am going to die like this
Drunk
And staring at Rectangle Ceiling
Listening to Jethro Tull
Thick as a Brick
Goodbye.
current mood: guilty
current music: Jethro Tull - Thick as a Brick
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| Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
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1:34 am
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I love rum, and generally dislike whiskey, but I must admit, bad rum is far worse than good whiskey.
Somebody come intercourse with me before I forget again that I am human.
current mood: guilty
current music: Portishead - Glory Box
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| Sunday, February 19th, 2006
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3:02 am
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Young men are for fighting,
Young women are for fucking,
And nobody knows what the old are for.
current music: John Lennon - God
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, January 20th, 2006
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6:58 pm
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A robot on myspace said it thinks we have a lot in common. And that is probably more true than I would prefer to believe.
current mood: guilty
current music: Soft Cell - Tainted Love
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| Tuesday, January 10th, 2006
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1:44 am - Forget that I'm 50...
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So Sunday was David Bowie's birthday. I didn't realize this at the time -- I'm not that sort of fan after all, apparently -- but all the same, I managed to mark the occasion by, at long last, excercising the power of my Legends of Karaoke - David Bowie CDG at the local song bar. Performed Rock 'n' Roll Suicide and Ashes to Ashes to a crowd of a handful, then followed it off with a vicious rendition of Lennon's Working Class Hero (vocal stylings lifted from Marilyn Manson), and a tipsy Tainted Love (vocal stylings not occasionally lifted from Marilyn Manson, but mostly just all over the place). Anyway, I find something terribly cosmic about all of that. It amazes me.
Afterwards, Teresa and I decided that we should move to Indianapolis. March 1 is the tentative date -- there's still a lot of footwork to be done before we can be sure it will happen, but in the end we are Americans with certain rights, and there is little to truly prevent us from doing this. I demand that you wish us luck in this endeavor.
current music: John Lennon - Working Class Hero
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| Wednesday, January 4th, 2006
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12:22 am
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I want a prize, god damn it. If I am going to endure, I want to get a fucking prize for it.
current music: Rufus Wainwright - Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk
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| Tuesday, December 20th, 2005
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10:59 pm - God damn you, Mr. Schrodinger.
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I went outside for a smoke break, even though I promised myself I was done with cigarettes for the night. I found a cat asleep in the middle of the street behind my apartment. At first I thought it must be dead, or injured, but it was only asleep.
I considered it, briefly, and decided I ought to move it, to instigate movement toward a safer place. I walked up, hopped up and down next to it. It looked up at me and stared. I did not want to touch it, out of respect, so I tried growling at it and making menacing attack movements with my face and teeth. It did not appear concerned. Finally I stamped my food down next to its head repeatedly. It stood up, stared at my foot, and decided to walk away.
I went to find a place to sit; the cat wandered toward me out of curiosity, examined my hand, then sat down on the sidewalk with its back to me. A minute or so later a truck drove past, just where the cat had been sleeping. It made a loud sound but the cat did not exhibit a reaction. I wondered if it would have moved out of the way, if it would have woken up and moved out of the way. There is no way to know for certain.
I stared at it for a while, at this cat who was being a cat, knowing that my intervention was perhaps the only reason it was still capable of doing so at this point in time. I made note of the seconds, each moment of catness which may or may not have been my responsibility. But for all of my examination I could see nothing in the cat but its biology, the manifestation of billions of years of clumsy universe.
I did not feel as though I had made a difference.
current mood: guilty
current music: System of a Down - Revenga
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| Friday, December 16th, 2005
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1:47 am - It's been a sleepless world. Let's start a fire.
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2005 is drawing to a close. I started the year in Boise, Idaho. I spent the first few months there doing little more than plotting my escape; and, of course, spending time with my mother, what will probably be the last extended period of time I get to spend with her. What remains now are occasional visits -- their frequency dependent on my economic success -- and her death. She is not in great health. I am not sure I will have another visit.
In returning to San Diego I found a place to live when James abandoned his, a place to work when Teresa abandoned hers. I was living on leftovers, as I always have: Even my first love was my best friend's first love first. But my second love was no one's leftover, nobody I knew anyway. I met her in June, we got together in July. But it was over some time not long after that, some few months: She still hasn't told me when exactly she broke up with me, but it was well before I realized it. And so now I too am a leftover. Which makes me feel very appropriate to myself.
Top five lessons of the year:
- Heartbreak is every bit as bad as being in love is good, but that doesn't make love any less worth it. These things were not meant to be summed.
- Time is worth a lot more than anyone is willing to pay me for it. For some months -- by no coincidence, the months during which the breakup developed -- I spent more of my waking hours working than not, and spent more hours at work than asleep. I am financially better for it, but I am not better for it.
- Art is not natural to me any more. I have made no art this year, which is not to say that I will make none next, but I understand now that it will take more than just good intentions to do so. It used to only take good intentions. I am not sure what about me has changed.
- Cigarettes are a bad thing to keep smoking. When things are good they are merely a habit, and when things are bad they are a surrogate sense of satisfaction which diminishes the motivation to find more genuine satisfaction. But they are very hard to quit.
- Life is much smaller and more complicated than television raised me to believe.
It wasn't a wasted year, by any means... but I really feel like I could have gotten through all that in a month, if I had the resources. The most striking thing I've noticed in life after college -- and really, it began during college, I just couldn't quite put my finger on what was happening -- is the slowed pace at which I have developed. I went into college as a scared, self-loathing kid, and came out as a fairly reasoned, confident adult. But throughout that transitional period came the joy of self-discovery, addictively often; now I find myself longing for that but able too rarely to attain it, because by and large I am comfortable with myself, having little cause to discover anything.
I want to fly out to Chicago so I can see Lydia. She is neither the only person I love nor the only person who loves me, and the rest are important, too, but she is the only person who loves me as I love myself. And there is a vital loneliness which shall always persist in the absence of that.
current mood: guilty
current music: David Bowie - Seven Years in Tibet
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| Saturday, December 3rd, 2005
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12:39 pm
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Nicotine: I know that this feeling, the withdrawal will end on its own, will end on its own just the same as if I'd had a cigarette. What will not, will never come on its own is the feeling of satisfaction that a cigarette would bring.
This has a parallel, at least one parallel, probably more. The point is, I find myself consumed by waiting for discomfort to end, with nothing to look forward to but the absence of discomfort, for numbness. There is no light at the end of the tunnel; the tunnel just ends. This is not an acceptable situation and I must do something drastic.
current mood: guilty
current music: Fast Changes - The Ballad
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, November 21st, 2005
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12:17 am
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It's amazing how quickly things run there course. It was so recently -- June, July, August -- it was so recently that everything was going so fine, that everything was just so fine. But somewhere between then and now...
If I'd known then how soon it would end, I would have written things down, I would have taken a picture. As it stands I can't help but believe that I've already forgotten some of the best moments in my life.
current mood: guilty
current music: Marilyn Manson - Spade
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| Sunday, August 28th, 2005
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4:26 am - Moaning, panting, and writhing.
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Josh tells me that I fuck like a fag. I tell him that this is one of my favorite things about myself.
current mood: guilty
current music: Marilyn Manson - Great White World
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| Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
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10:50 pm - I made a new toy.
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Come play with it.
How to use:
- Type in a word or words.
- Wait.
- Look at the picture.
How it works:
- Does a google image search on the word or words.
- Waits.
- Puts together a picture.
Enjoy.
current mood: guilty
current music: Kraftwerk - Home Computer
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, July 8th, 2005
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4:48 pm - Social contract theory.
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It occurs to me that I am more evil than most terrorists. I should probably do something about that.
current music: Bright Eyes - One Foot in Front of the Other
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| Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
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9:51 pm - Grimlock KING
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Hey lal. San Diego. Retr of the drunken post. Courtesty touresy. Jordan's bed, for some fu king mutant reason. Kurt (who I keep wanting to call doug() plays an acout6ic guitar liket he thing as electirc. Tereas has been pissing upstairs for a wahile now, I hope hse's okay. I'm so so. Yeah. Yeah.
Lightweight now. More drunk fr the dollar-sign. I want to take a walk. "Are we still planning to take a walk?" We've gotta wait for ga be. Tebhn walk. I miss gabe and his delicious torso, make all the girls s cream. I have a delicous torso too but only by dinosaur island standards. "You made a libvfejrounal pot! RIGHT NOW"" Tersa sits like wau on me. Smells like human. "What are you drinkint?" I don't know. Reasding over my shoudlr "Touching me in inappro4piaa53 plaes! WOOT WOOT! VDrunkenss:! Right ,y name again." Teresa. Tgere yiy gave ut '"Yay give me more!B Give it yup! Peacock!"
She saays my post is not that funny. Fjuc-+k* that. I am a literary genius of the utmost variety. What is in the news today, I wonder? St6ar Streak shirts are being dissed left and ruight, zombies on hollywood boulevard. Alcohol poising and Doom. "Too big of a butt in too small of a space." Sucrase. Sucroe?se Hamilton Bennett Teresa Jolene Trout. Ine. Whatever saucer "I wouldnt' say verbatim." "Pklay, drunken verbatim/
I am Teres'a perfect world couch. Scared rught now. The concept of liking it: I can ... Jesus, she SO JUST SPIT IN MY FACE. The fuel I need to live? "Who ran out? Who drank my black and tan?" New journalism for a new generation. Gotta go now. "Bum wine!!!" I hope your hourglasses are filled with cocaine and nightmares.
current mood:  quixotic
current music: The The Triangle - All the Pink Floyd Songs
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| Saturday, May 14th, 2005
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5:12 pm - Oh hell!
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I just realized, I don't know that I've announced to completely everyone that I'm going to be in San Diego on Tuesday. This Tuesday! So don't be shocked to the beyond if I give you a call. I'm real.
current mood: guilty
current music: David Bowie with Mike Garson - My Death
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, April 15th, 2005
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9:33 am
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If you ever feel like a loser in life, just remember that there were probably somewhere between 40 and 600 million spermatozoa there along with you in that one generative load that your shitty father dropped in your crappy mum, every one with the same goal. And you beat all of them.
The big race is over. All the rest is just pick up games, Winter League bullshit. Pay it no mind.
current mood: guilty
current music: David Bowie - Strangers When We Meet
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| Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
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10:39 pm - Words toward a Planet
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It occurs to me that it's been some time since I have left notice of my State of Affairs for the curious. Perhaps it is because, deep down to tip-top, I know that no curious remain; it should be clear to anyone who has been watching that there is no room left for curiosity, that all loose ends have been tied up. This is Okay. There is never anything tragic about the future. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is a tyrant and a scumdog. Do not trust them.
M. Darling has suggested that I head to Nogales and then Massachussetts, and I pushed great favor at the idea. The feeling in my beef-laden gut is that this plan will come to no meaningful end, but, charmingly, I maintain some hope. There would be videotape involved, and a long car ride, significant miles-per. Windows rolled down: Good oxygen. That is worth lusting after, all things considered.
And if not that then what? I have not applied for a real job in months; a healthy balance of reasons and excuses populate the list of why. Boise is overrun with tiny labors pursued by tiny people, like most American cities: What sets it apart is the distinct lack of illusions to dispel those truths. And maybe even that is not so unique, maybe the Aura of Something is just a California thing, like Open Homosexuality, Fair Weather, and Too Many Baseball Teams. Maybe I should just rewind my shit and go back to San Diego. It never occurred to me, while I was there, but eating at taco shops frequently really is one of the Top Ten ways to live a life. Somewhere between alcoholism and blind promiscuity... I'm not sure the order.
It goes without saying there is no good life to be had here. No, not Boise... Rob my dying mother, buy a plane ticket, and disappear into the sexiest oblivion that will have me. No other choice, really. And nothing so wrong with that: Vicious and no-good, sure, but not truly wrong. You've done worse in your sleep, I'm sure. We all have.
So there, that's that, and whatever. Wherever it is I land, I do hope I see you there.
current mood: guilty
current music: Pixies - Velouria
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| Tuesday, January 25th, 2005
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12:15 am - Misogyny is such a strong word.
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I looked on Thesaurus.com to find a good synonym for misogyny, but there were none. It suggested I look under mahogany, and so I did. Mahogany is a synonym for brown.
current mood: guilty
current music: The Smiths - Ask
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, January 3rd, 2005
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9:45 pm
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Am I the only one who misses my awesome totaldrunk rock-and-roll adventure posts? I can't be the only one who misses those.
I must acquire booze and leave some new entries of such variety. And the soonest available opportunity.
Erstwhile, I've written a brilliant one line poem:
A Detective Novel
Her eyes were an open and shut case.
current mood: guilty
current music: The Stooges - Ann
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